Avoiding Adultery

INTRODUCTION
(Ways of the Wise)
Good morning! My name is David Sorn, and I’m the Lead Pastor here at Renovation Church.
One of the things I love about our church being a church that teaches verse-by-verse through the Bible is that our messages, from week to week are very different.
The tone and manner of our messages match the tone and manner of our passage for the day.
So sometimes our messages are more lighthearted; sometimes they’re incredibly serious.
Sometimes they’re simple and practical; sometimes they cause you to have to think very, very deeply.
Because that’s what all the different passages of the Bible do.
We are currently teaching through the Book of Proverbs, and mostly what we’ve seen so far from King Solomon has been practical advice for his son.
But today, as all parents must do sometimes, Solomon is going to have a very serious chat with his son about the weighty topic of adultery.
In fact, much of the next 3 chapters in Proverbs are about this subject.
We’re going to cover 2 of the 3 sections on adultery this morning, and we’ll cover the 3rd section (chapter 7) in all 24 of our House Churches this week.
And listen, maybe it’s your first time here.
Maybe you just came to vote here on Tuesday, and you thought, “I’ll check out this church. They seem fun!” 😊
And sometimes we are! 😊
But, we’re also committed to teaching whatever is in front of us in the Bible…
Okay, let’s get to it.
Proverbs 5:1-6:35
Page 435
3 Quick prefaces while you find your spot:
1) I understand that not everyone in here is married.
But many of you will be someday, and you’ll want to know this.
And even if you won’t, the sad truth is that you don’t have to be married to be part of the act of adultery.
2) I also realize that there are some of you in here that are quite nervous about this topic because you’re thinking, “David, I needed this message 3 years ago. Not today. It’s too late for me.”
I’m going to talk about that too…so stay with me, okay?
And 3) I know many of you in here have blended families or unique family situations…
This is not a message on your past mistakes.
I’m speaking from the Word of God, to married couples (and future married couples), about the steps they can take to avoid the pain of adultery.
Okay?

#1: THE GRASS IS NOT GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE
Let’s read
(Proverbs 5:1-6) – NIV
My son, pay attention to my wisdom,
turn your ear to my words of insight,
2 that you may maintain discretion
and your lips may preserve knowledge.
3 For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey,
and her speech is smoother than oil;
4 but in the end she is bitter as gall,
sharp as a double-edged sword.
5 Her feet go down to death;
her steps lead straight to the grave.
6 She gives no thought to the way of life;
her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it.
(Avoiding Adultery)
Now, before we go any further, I want to urge you to not be distracted by the language of gender today (as we are apt to do in our modern society).
Don’t say, “Oh, he’s just talking about the adulterous WOMAN! What about the man?!?”
Contextually, this is a father, who is giving advice to his son
That’s why the gender language is that way.
And I suspect, that the language would be similar but different if it were a mother giving advice to her daughter.
And soon enough, he’ll describe men as fools going to slaughter…so it’ll all even out.
Our passage today is going to give us 5 helpful truths today on how to avoid adultery.
That’s its main aim.
It’s not a passage on what to do if adultery happens, or even how it should affect your marriage afterwards (although those are very important topics and there are other verses on that)
But today, the main point of this proverbs passage, and thus our main focus today is how to avoid adultery.
Here is the first truth for how to do that (from that section we already read):
5 Truths for Avoiding Adultery
#1: The grass is not greener on the other side
This is verse 3 of our passage.
It says, “The lips of the adulterous woman (or man!) drip honey…
The grass looks so green on the other side.
It seems like life would be better, more exciting, if you pursue this person.
But verse 4 says, that in the end, they are as bitter as gall.
Gall is a bitter tasting substance made out of the plant, wormwood.
But this is the lie we tell ourselves:
We say: “My marriage is dying. It’s going backwards. It’s lifeless…
“….but this new person notices me, I can talk to them, I feel excited around them.
“Maybe they’re the person I was actually meant for if I would’ve waited and found them first”
I need to give you some real-life, hard data to combat those sorts of things that bounce around our heads:
Only 5-7% of adultery partners get married to each other
Often, it doesn’t last past one time, or even a month.
But the damage is done.
But what about if you do feel like this person is such a better fit, and maybe you could see yourself actually marrying them instead someday?
75-90% of marriages that start with adultery end in divorce
So 93-97% of affairs never even end up in a new marriage (that’s that first line), and for those 5-7% that do, 75-90% of those marriages end in divorce.
Mathematically, that literally means there is a 99% chance it won’t work. That’s unreal.
The grass is not greener on the other side.
You have to speak that Biblical truth (even mathematical truth) to your mind right now.
“””Because once the infatuation phase of the new relationship dies off, that new relationship (like the previous one) also becomes hard.
And then these newly married couples have to also deal with the fact that neither of them can be trusted to be faithful…
AND…they are also juggling the calamities they have brought upon previously families all while trying to make a new marriage work.
And so, the failure rate is astronomical.
So don’t try it!

#2: DON’T GO NEAR IT
Let’s keep reading and we’re going to see a second important truth.
Proverbs 5:7-8
Page 435
(Proverbs 5:7-8) – NIV
7 Now then, my sons, listen to me;
do not turn aside from what I say.
8 Keep to a path far from her,
do not go near the door of her house,
And we see another similar principle in chapter 6, in the second section about adultery
Proverbs 6:27-29
Page 436
Look at chapter 6, starting at verse 27
(Proverbs 6:27-29) – NIV
Can a man scoop fire into his lap
without his clothes being burned?
28 Can a man walk on hot coals
without his feet being scorched?
29 So is he who sleeps with another man’s wife;
no one who touches her will go unpunished.
This is our second truth for how to avoid the pain of Adultery in your marriage or future marriage
5 Truths for Avoiding Adultery
#1: The Grass is not greener on the other side
#2: Don’t come within 1,000 feet of adultery
In chapter 5, the King says, “Keep a path FAR from her! Don’t go near her door!”
Then in Chapter 6, “can you put fire in your lap and not get burned?!”
In other words, you cannot get close to this and expect to be fine.
I can tell you from my experience of 20 years as a pastor, and sitting across from people who are in tears over what adultery has done to their marriage and family…
…that it never STARTS in a hotel room.
…nobody wakes up and randomly says, “I think I’m going to have an affair today”
They tell me that it always starts with sitting too close to each other, a hug that went too long, a time where emotions were intimately shared with each other.
And so Solomon says “keep a path FAR from this”
And so I take a lot of precautions to stay 1,000 feet away.
And that’s not about “women being bad”
If you’re a woman, I’d urge you to take the same precautions with men!
This is not about men or women, this is about our hearts, as Jeremiah 17 says, being deceitful above all things.
So I want to share with you some of the exact precautions I take to stay 1,000 feet away.
As a Christian leader, I take this extra seriously, and you might not copy everyone of these…but it probably wouldn’t hurt you if you did.
1. I don’t eat alone with women who aren’t my wife (or my mom)
2. I don’t ride alone in cars with other women.
I’m protecting my heart. I’m avoiding the potential bonding of emotional intimacy that can happen over a nice dinner or a long car ride.
3. I don’t drink alcohol in social situations with other women
Now, truthfully, I actually don’t personally drink alcohol at all, but for the many of you who do… I need to tell you…
…intoxicated flirting has been the spark, the beginning, of too many adulteries.
And so for some of you, this is a line you just need to draw in your life.
4. I don’t message other women or carry on social media conversations with them.
5. I don’t have unaccountable access to the internet
For over 20 years now, I have had accountability software on all my devices that report to my wife what I look at each week
Can we acknowledge here that a huge reason people keep stepping closer towards adultery is because the majority of adults now look at pornography.
Which just creates a deeper thirst for lust, perversity, and those “grass is greener” lies.
6. I don’t share about how my marriage is going with other women
I certainly talk about it with my best guy friends, but not with women.
7. I don’t even hug other women unless they’re over the age of 70.
Now you might here that list and think, “Wow! What a prude!”
But listen, my profession is full (painfully full) of men who’ve failed in this area.
And so I’d rather you call your pastor a prude than a failure.
The safest way to never commit adultery is to never get within a 1,000 feet of adultery.

#3: IT WILL STEAL YOUR HONOR
Let’s keep reading back in chapter 5 (verse 9)…right where Solomon was saying “don’t go near it”
Proverbs 5:9-14
Page 435
(Proverbs 5:9-14) – NIV
lest you lose your honor to others
and your dignity to one who is cruel,
10 lest strangers feast on your wealth
and your toil enrich the house of another.
11 At the end of your life you will groan,
when your flesh and body are spent.
12 You will say, “How I hated discipline!
How my heart spurned correction!
13 I would not obey my teachers
or turn my ear to my instructors.
14 And I was soon in serious trouble
in the assembly of God’s people.”
And here we find our 3rd truth. :
5 Truths for Avoiding Adultery
#1: The Grass is not greener on the other side
#2: Don’t come within 1,000 feet of adultery
#3: What feels like a fantasy is actually a nightmare
Often, when people are tempted to have an affair, they begin to fantasize about what being with that other person could be like.
But if you’re going to fantasize about the future, you might as well play the dream all the way out.
Don’t just dream about the hotel room, keep going…and imagine the part where you have to tell everyone what happened too…
…your spouse, your parents, your kids…
What you’re dreaming about in your mind is not a fantasy, it’s a nightmare.
Look at verse 9: Lest you lose your honor.
And verse 11: At the end of your life, you will groan.
And verse 14: I was soon in serious trouble in the assembly of God’s people.
Because one of the great lies of this temptation…is that it deceives you by telling you this will be a private thing.
But it won’t be.
Eventually, as the Bible says in Numbers 32, your sin will find you out
And then will come the pain.
If adultery is indeed a temptation for you, one quote that I would urge you to memorize the following quote from Bob Lepine:
“No sex is that good.” – Bob Lepine
There is no night of passion, no release, no pleasure that will make you feel like it was worth the potential undoing of your marriage, your family, your reputation.
It doesn’t exist.
It’s not a fantasy, it’s a nightmare.
Years ago, I gave a message on what the Bible teaches about divorce and particularly remarriage, and I’ll never forget what one woman said to me after our last service that day.
She said, “David, you know, when I was a teenager, one of my parents had an affair, and then my parents got divorced
…and often for the parents, especially if they get remarried, they kind of move on…
“But,” she said, “the kids, never get to move on.”
“We always are stuck…in the awkward middle.
“Which parent do I tell first who I’m got asked to prom, where I’m going to college, that I’m getting married, or having a baby?”
“Where are we going to Christmas this year?”
Realize that if you act on these temptations in your mind, your choices don’t just affect you…they affect everyone around you.
And they will affect your own children for the rest of their lives.

#4: THE BEST DEFENSE IS A GOOD OFFENSE
Let’s keep reading:
Proverbs 5:15-20
Page 435
(Proverbs 5:15-20) – NIV
Drink water from your own cistern,
running water from your own well.
16 Should your springs overflow in the streets,
your streams of water in the public squares?
17 Let them be yours alone,
never to be shared with strangers.
18 May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
19 A loving doe, a graceful deer—
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
20 Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man’s wife?
Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman?
Here is our 4th truth from God’s Word
5 Truths for Avoiding Adultery
#1: The Grass is not greener on the other side
#2: Don’t come within 1,000 feet of adultery
#3: What feels like a fantasy is actually a nightmare
#4: The best defense is a good offense
The best defense (against adultery) is a good offense.
This is a phrase they’ll sometimes use in sports.
If a football team has an incredible offense that can put up 40+ points a game…they often won’t have to think as much about their defense.
And one of the best ways to avoid adultery is to make sure your own marriage is thriving.
That you are seeking God together.
That you’re working on your marriage.
If you need to go to Christian counseling, go to Christian counseling.
And even here, right here in the Bible, we see how important it is that you are pursuing sexual intimacy, often with your spouse.
And that you enjoy each other in that way.
Sometimes (not always, so don’t hear this as in indictment)…
…but sometimes marriages drift toward adultery because the couple has stopped pursuing intimacy (not just sexual intimacy, but also emotional intimacy)
And so then one spouse pursues either emotional or sexual intimacy elsewhere.
And so here we have God telling us the importance prioritizing sexual intimacy in marriage.
Because sometimes the best defense, is a good offense.

#5: IT IS A LIGHT FOR YOUR PATH
I want to go back now into the section on adultery in chapter 6 now
Proverbs 6:23-24
Page 436
(Proverbs 6:23-24) – NIV
23 For this command is a lamp,
this teaching is a light,
and correction and instruction
are the way to life,
24 keeping you from your neighbor’s wife,
from the smooth talk of a wayward woman.
This is the 5th truth
5 Truths for Avoiding Adultery
#1: The Grass is not greener on the other side
#2: Don’t come within 1,000 feet of adultery
#3: What feels like a fantasy is actually a nightmare
#4: The best defense is a good offense
#5: God’s Word is light unto your path
Often when people teach from the Bible on topics like this, they say (or we hear) the wrong thing.
And we hear, “Don’t do this! You can’t do this! Bad! No! Shame!”
And while, yes, there is a warning here…like a signpost that says, “Danger! Road ends, turn back.”
But these words are here, not to condemn you, but to be a light unto your path.
They are showing you the path to a blessed future.
You know, I’m fascinated that despite our culture’s obsession with sexual freedom, there is still a part of our cultural psyche that finds something so gloriously beautiful about the couple celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary
Why do we continued to be so touched by that?
It’s because we can see that the path they walked is a path that led to blessing.
To love, stability, often children, grandchildren, honor.
I was googling an image for a 50th wedding anniversary earlier this week, and I saw this frame you could buy of Amazon.
(50th Wedding Frame)
It says, 50 years is:
600 months of love.
2,608 weeks of bliss,
Days of loyalty
Hours of blessing
Minutes of laugher
And I thought, who writes this garbage?
Is this AI? Did some robot with no real life experience write this…because this isn’t real life.
I’ve been married for over 20 years now…
And I love my wife…and we have a lot of months and years of those very things on our “frame of marriage”
But we both agreed this week that our frame would also say:
2,000 arguments
1,000 eye rolls
700 tears
Because that’s real life.
But too many people bail on marriage because they had a false expectation (like this one) of what marriage was supposed to be.
So you need to clearly know that when the Bible says that these words are a light unto your path…
It’s showing you the way to blessing, the good path (and it’s SO good!!)
But just because it’s good doesn’t mean it’s easy.
Few good things are.
But if you think it’s supposed to be easy, you’ll jump off way too soon.
One of the best pieces of advice I can give you for your marriage is this:
It’s marriage that keeps love alive, not love that keeps marriage alive.
Years ago, I came across a fascinating study in Shaunti Feldhahn’s book “The Good News about Marriage”
Here’s what it said:
“Among those who rate their marriages as very unhappy in current surveys, when the exact same people are surveyed again 5 years later…of those that avoided divorce…8/10 now say they’re happy.” – Shaunti Feldhan
How are they happy? 5 years later?
Because marriage, like much of life, is a rollercoaster of ups and downs.
So don’t make life altering decisions on a down.
And see, your vows are the guardrails of your marriage
For better or worse. In sickness and in health. To never leave or forsake each other.
They’re the guardrails of your marriage, and my Christian friend, they are also the reflection of the gospel.
Because that’s who Jesus is to us.
Despite all of our ups & downs, He will never leave us or forsake us.
That’s what we reflect in marriage
And so these words in this chapter are not words of condemnation, but they are guideposts & guardrails to blessing.
They are the ways of the wise.

APPLYING THE GOSPEL TO SHAME
(Avoiding Adultery)
But what if you have drifted off the path.
What if you have already failed? What if no one knows?
Then bring it into the light. Repent of it now. You gotta tell your spouse.
It will be the most painful thing you ever do, but it’s the only chance you have at saving your marriage.
But what if your marriage is already over?
What if your children don’t look at you the same?
What if……..
I think of a man that I knew that had been down this road…and he cheated on his wife.
And he left her…and his kids…for another woman.
But like the statistics I mentioned earlier. It didn’t work out.
And soon enough, he was alone.
And in his shame, he took his life.
And I wish, in his shame, he could’ve known the message of Jesus.
And if you’re drowning in shame for this, or even something else:
Hear this:
It doesn’t matter what you’ve done…
It doesn’t matter what the world thinks of you…
It doesn’t matter if even your own family hates you…
Jesus loves you.
He came to die for you.
Think Biblically with me!
If you believe Jesus knew everything about your life before He went to the cross, did He not know about this too?!
He did! He knew!
And still He went!
…to die for that too.
And if you already are a Christian, here, my dear friend is where you must apply the Gospel to your own heart.
Do you truly believe, that as the old song says, “That Jesus Paid it all?”
That His death paid for ALL your sins
Although sin may have left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.
It’s gone.
He paid it all.
Not some of it.
Not for everything except this.
He paid it all!
And so my friend:
Drown in shame no longer…
Lift your head up!
Look up at His face!
He loves you! He loves you! He loves you!
And He proved it with the cross!
Let me pray.